Are You in a Cult?
In 1990, my father had just collected his 5th sobriety chip, a miracle if you had known him before his recovery journey. I am forever grateful that I never knew my father while he lived in his addiction. Unfortunately, I still was a victim of my mother's substance struggles. In 1990, I was just three years old, and my mother had abandoned our little family only to land in the open and love-bombing arms of a cult in church clothing.
As far as my mother knew, this church was, well, a godsend. They offered her salvation, and forgiveness for her sins which consisted of adultery, and drug use. She was forced to list each sin she had ever committed in detail in order to be a candidate for membership. This was part of a series of indoctrination studies, which were a requirement to complete prior to baptism. Plagued by the guilt of having left her husband and small children, the dangling carrot of redemption felt like a lifeline.
This organization claims to be Bible-based and the rules dictate that divorce is a sin, so my mother was instructed to rekindle with my father by bringing him into the church. And so I was raised in an evangelical high-control group that claimed to be "The One True Church".
Mental Health and Cults
When I was 16 years old I was diagnosed with anorexia, and thanks to my father's recovery experience through the years, he placed me in an inpatient eating disorder facility against the advice of the church. I attribute this decision as the catalyst that saved my life, and unbeknownst to anyone at the time, this experience is the reason I have been speaking out publically, and supporting survivors of high control groups for the last 11 years.
The life-altering moment for me and my dad happened in a family session while I was in treatment. After I had shared the abuse I had endured from the beginning of my memory with my therapist and my dad, my therapist turned to them and said, "You can never go back to that church. Your daughter's life depends on it."
And we never did.
But it wasn't "that" simple. You see, in high-control groups leaving means you are either kicked out, or you are disfellowshipped and no longer exist to current members. My dad says that one day he had 300 friends, and the next day he had three.
This mass severing traumatized my family. Even though I was finally free... freedom was terrifying, it felt fragile, and we didn't feel safe. For my formative years, I was raised by this organization, they were my family, and suddenly we were on our own. My parents spent many years in therapy grappling with whether they were still saved, and the reality of the abuse the children in the organization suffered right under their noses. Over time they came to recognize that they too had been victims of an insidious and dangerous group whose sole aim was to extort money and recruit daily. The cost for salvation was at the very minimum 10% of your income, and complete unwavering and unquestioning loyalty.
Healing has been a long process, and over the last twentyish years I have become somewhat obsessed with high-control groups and found this burning desire to not only expose them but to support survivors of groups like this. I found that cultish groups are not limited to religious groups. You can find this dangerous behavior in self-help groups like NXVIM, marketing groups, sales companies, political groups, and clubs… I am not implying that all organizations are high-control, there are specific criteria that must be met for a group to be labeled as such.
Identifying Cults
So here is a crash course in identifying whether you or a loved one is associated with a dangerous mind control group. The following is called the B.I.T.E. model, a term coined by Steve Hassan, cult expert. Dr. Hassan was involved in a high-control group when he was a young adult and has spent decades helping people save their loved ones from these organizations. The leader of the group I was raised in "marked" Dr. Hassan and forbade anyone in the organization to read any of his books. I have had the honor of taking a training course with Dr. Hassan as he has decades of knowledge and experience with members and former members of the cult I was raised in. You can find a plethora of information on his website freedomofmind.com.
B.I.T.E. = Behavior, Information, Thought, and Emotion:
Behavior speaks to manipulation and regulation through strict rules, rewards, and punishments.
In my experience, conforming was the only option, and deviation from complete obedience was severely punished whether we were publicly humiliated, verbally abused, or had affection withheld from us.
Sometimes we find this in marketing and sales companies, where you are expected to be completely sold out for the brand you represent, and may be treated unfairly if you deviate or purchase from another brand, or even admit that a particular product doesn't work for you.
Information was controlled completely through censorship and propaganda.
In the group I was in we were forbidden from ever reading or watching any media that cast the group in a negative light. The leaders coined the term "spiritual pornography", and would berate and abuse anyone who disobeyed these rules.
Some groups may insist that you listen to podcasts presented by a member of the organization or read books written by leadership in the company. They may even make this regulation, expecting you to pay for publications at specific intervals. This is something we have seen in Scientology.
The flock may be told that leadership is protecting them from harmful bitter ex-members who may damage the faith of newer members. Deviating from this rule that is intended to protect you implies that you do not trust your leadership and your faith is weak.
Thought speaks to the use of psychological techniques which are used to share beliefs and attitudes to suppress critical thinking, and support conformity.
You may find that some sort of reprimand follows questioning or you are stopped in your tracks when you do think for yourself. If you ask questions and you are met with deflection and redirection, you may want to take a step back and recalibrate. Asking questions is healthy, thinking outside of the box you are given is not rebellious, it's responsible.
In the group I was raised in we were required to go through a series of studies where another member would take notes for us, so we would only have the information we were meant to have, and we could not ask questions in our notes. We only passed each study after agreeing to the information supplied to us as facts.
Asking questions was often met with eye-rolling and responses that were intended to make us feel dumb for even asking. They used verbiage like, “I know you are smarter than this.” or “Our brains are filthy! Of course, they need to be washed!”
A group may normalize abuse by responding as though certain unhealthy behaviors are perfectly normal. “Do you think I would ever do anything to hurt you? This is tough love, only people who love you enough will say this to you.”
Emotion speaks to fostering dependency and loyalty through love-bombing, guilt, and fear-based indoctrination.
The emotional manipulation game in a high control group is top tier. This is where you are praised or given gifts, or awards, whenever you have performed correctly, but affection is withheld from you, or you are ostracized if you make a mistake, miss the mark, or don't reach the goal set for you.
You may be asked to give up something you care about to prove your loyalty. It may be sacrificing sleep, not attending a family function, selling something valuable, changing the way you dress, or even food.
You may be asked to make a huge purchase or make a big donation. The longer you are in the group, the more money you have given, the more products you have purchased, the more sleep you have lost, and the more sacrifices you have made will tie you closer to the group that praises you for these things. This also ensures that you won’t leave because you have put so much time, energy, and money into the organization.
If You Suspect Someone is Part of a Cult…
Lastly, I know I have broken this rule a few times (although it was intentional), it is not helpful or recommended to use the word “cult” when you are interacting with someone that you suspect of being in a high-control group. Cult is a trigger word that leads us to think of Kool-Aid, Nikes, sacrificing virgins, devil worship, aliens, child brides, and plural marriage. Yes, some extreme cults have been involved in the above buzzwords, but some cults truly look as normal as can be from the outside. However, believe it or not, when done well, these groups seem normal as can be on the inside, too. The group I was in still functions today and has an innocuous name, and the members laugh off the cult accusation and explain that they are choosing to be there, and they believe they are following the Word of God. They don’t live on a compound, they have regular jobs and their kids are in sports. This group has integrated so seamlessly that the only people who know there’s something wrong are the family members who no longer see their loved ones because they aren’t members. They truly are the cult next door.
If you think you or a loved one may be a part of a high-control group, I recommend reading "Combatting Mind Control" by Steve Hassan and checking out his website freedomofmind.com.
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